This is a story I once wrote for a contest. Scared my family to death.
A Quiet Rage
I've always thought it would be nice to be deaf. Does that surprise you? It seems I always had such difficulty hearing. Not that there was anything wrong with my ears, but the unrelenting thoughts and voices that ran through my mind at breakneck speed were so loud they drowned out everything else.
Through this fog, I do have some remarkably clear memories. At age three, at a neighbors house, I wondered what would happen if I hit the dog on the nose with a toy hammer. To this day I could not tell you why I did it. There was a screaming in my head, and then I was screaming aloud. Predictably enough, I was bitten, and still carry the scar on my face.
All that remains of that event was the memory of blood, and my confusion.
My reactions to most situations were a bit skewed. When someone yelled loudly, as on the playground, my body would betray me by freezing up. Try as I might, it would take some time to settle down enough to become mobile. "Look at them staring at you!" , I would hear, as my classmates cast curious but innocent glances my way.
There is a picture of my younger sister, just an infant in my Dad's arms, and I, sitting on the porch together. Well, in theory I know it is me, but the look of hatred I wore seems foreign, like it must be someone else. As my mother took the snapshot, I pinched my sister's foot...hard...after all, she took my parents away from me. The madness can be seen even at that early age, and is still quite unsettling whenever I see that photo, and feel that anger.
I had no idea this was not normal; this was simply life, my life. I never just enjoyed a sunset; it made me weep huge crocodile tears. A petty quarrel would become a dark terrible war.. "They will PAY for that". When I was happy, I was delirious. My times of sadness were so intense I wanted to die. All of this was hidden behind an impenetrable mask I felt compelled to maintain at all costs. And the voices, always..the voices...
You may wonder how such a soft spoken person as myself can claim to be so full of contradictions as these, or capable of what I did. I can't believe it myself sometimes, but here I am, incarcerated in this tomb of an institution, while you, dear reader, are safe at home. I will try to explain the events leading up to this fall as best I can recollect.
Richard and I married quite young, mostly to escape the strict rules our parents insisted we follow. I realize now that it was my persuasiveness that finally wore him down, but I have always been good at that. I was fine for many years…good years…the dark clouds seemed to have cleared for a time, and I felt normal, like other people..or so I thought.
Sometime after our twentieth wedding anniversary, I began to feel uneasy, sensing my husband was drifting away from me. I began spying on him, until the thought of catching him in some indiscretion totally took over my life. I quit my job, and purchased an inexpensive car, which I kept garaged nearby. I took to wearing disguises, sneaking around his place of business, waiting, watching.
All this time, I didn't realize how loud the noises were in my head, or even that they had returned. I had to catch him, no matter what the cost. And then, I finally did.
Hiding in the back booth of Richard's favorite restaurant, I felt almost giddy. With the wig I wore, and the dark glasses, he would never recognize me. Bits and pieces of his conversation with his secretary floated over to me, and I listened rabidly.
"Angela, I don't know what to make of it all" I heard him whisper, and the next few sentences were drowned out by the noise of the bus boys clearing dishes. I wanted to kill them. "Richard, be patient with her" she said, and then, she covered his hand with hers, and looked into his eyes. "They are having an affair, right under your stupid nose, for all to see!"
I paled, and tried to keep my composure as the maelstrom assaulted my head, the voices pounding away at me.
You may think that is nothing to be excited over, but I was convinced.
In the murky haze of my mind, this was solid proof.
"She is stealing him away..Look at the way she touches him!"..the voices whispered.."You are weak, you KNOW what must be done". I peeked around from my hiding place in the last booth, watching them, as the voices grew louder and more insistent. "Those who see immorality and do nothing, are just as guilty!" I sat back, growing more and more agitated, gripping the silverware in my hands, the urge to stab them both frighteningly hard to contain. Shaking, I threw money on the table for my untouched coffee, and slipped outside. I had to think. If they would just be quiet.."Sinners must be punished..Sinners must be punished" they sang in my head..over and over again. I had to silence them. There was only one way.
The only thing to do now, was remove my enemy from the face of the earth forever. There was no room for hesitation…and I moved swiftly.
I called the office and left her a message about helping me plan a surprise birthday party for my husband. The idea came to me at three in the morning; insomniac that I am at times.
Angela returned my call promptly at eight the next morning. We chatted amiably, and she agreed to meet me at a restaurant on the edge of town, which I knew would be closed.
Angela pulled up alongside me, and waved, smiling. The sign in the back window proclaimed "Baby on Board". She climbed out of the driver's seat and leaned against the car as I approached. I noticed her short skirt had a jellystain on it, like a fingerprint from one of her children. She was asking for trouble, wearing a skirt like that to work. Flaunting her loose values in my face...no wonder my poor husband was straying. That Temptress! I pasted a bright smile on my face, as I walked towards her. Through the car window I could see a multitude of trash. Childrens' books, toys, crayons, all tossed haphazardly into the back seat. The Hussy! If she spent more time cleaning and looking after her own, she would not be of any concern to me. I looked into her eyes, thinking that her smile was hiding her infidel self.
There it was...guilt! Like a flashing neon sign, I knew my suspicions were true. Looking towards the restaurant, and noticing there were no other cars about, a frown replaced her smile. Gripping my weapon behind me, I knew it was now or never. There was a roaring in my head..a hissing voice screaming "Now..Hurry! She deserves to die..die like the trollop she is..DIE...DIE....DIE!!!!!!!!!"
As she backed away, I descended on her with a tire iron, bashing her skull again and again, until all was awash in blood, and it was finally quiet inside my head. That does sound awful, doesn't it? Well, it does to me too, now anyway. But at that moment, I was righteously destroying the interloper who was trying to foil my marriage. She didn't make much noise, not after the first strike, but she still wore that puzzled look on her face. I knew that was just a charade; she knew what she had been up to. There is no playing innocent with me, I see right through you.
I pushed what remained of Angela into the car, drove it to the lake. Releasing the brake, I let it roll into the water, watching it bob up and down for a while, then finally sink. I actually laughed at the sight, the way it floated about like a big cork. I was free again! It was quiet, the voices had all but vanished. If I didn't have things to do, it would have been a nice day for a picnic.
I had to walk back three miles to get my car, but it seemed like only seconds. At dinner that night, my husband was very quiet, and I asked him how his day was. He replied that it was fine, except his secretary had not returned from lunch, and he was quite puzzled about it.
The next two days passed uneventfully, until the police arrived while I was baking a cake for Richard's birthday. Smiling pleasantly, I invited them in for coffee, and made the appropriate comments about how awful it was for her family that Angela was missing. They weren't smiling. I tried to convince them I had nothing to do with Angela's disappearance…but in my bliss I had forgotten about the phone message. Oh yes, and the silly tire iron. I did wash it in the lake, but you know how good technology is these days. Something about microscopic particles or some such nonsense.
The picture of Angela's car being dragged out of the lake made front page news.
Well, I will be out in a few months, and Richard seems convinced that with the medication I will be fine. I am doing my best to follow all the directions the doctors give me, and they are pleased with my performance. Odd choice of words, because that is exactly what it is.
I will be very busy when I get out of here. I received a note from my sister, who informed me Richard sat next to a woman at church services last Sunday. I must remember her name so I can look her up.
Don't you enjoy the peace and quiet here?
I do.
